Spoiler alert: I'm not a perfect person.
Shocker, huh? It came as a shock to me, too.
I still have emotions; I get angry; I get discouraged; I get envious. I get lonely. Even when I have absolutely no reason to feel this way, I still have a hard time having faith everything will work out for me.
I don't want to say that I'm that "classic" Mormon girl who just wants to get married. I'm not. I have other plans in my future...and I still don't want to face that future alone.
Reasonable request, right?
Well.
I've been dating like crazy since my mission. I've gotten quite good at it. I still hate that first date, though. You know the one: you feel like you're more in an interview rather than doing something fun, or, rather, feeling so awkward due to the person you're with, whether he talks too much or not at all, that you just would rather go home. And then there're the ones you ask and are so self-conscious that you're evaluating if you're asking too many probing questions or just turning into Evan in Dear Evan Hansen:
Shocker, huh? It came as a shock to me, too.
I still have emotions; I get angry; I get discouraged; I get envious. I get lonely. Even when I have absolutely no reason to feel this way, I still have a hard time having faith everything will work out for me.
I don't want to say that I'm that "classic" Mormon girl who just wants to get married. I'm not. I have other plans in my future...and I still don't want to face that future alone.
Reasonable request, right?
Well.
I've been dating like crazy since my mission. I've gotten quite good at it. I still hate that first date, though. You know the one: you feel like you're more in an interview rather than doing something fun, or, rather, feeling so awkward due to the person you're with, whether he talks too much or not at all, that you just would rather go home. And then there're the ones you ask and are so self-conscious that you're evaluating if you're asking too many probing questions or just turning into Evan in Dear Evan Hansen:
Yeah.
First dates suck.
Sooo... recently I got my first kiss from off the mission. And it was from a first-timer in kissing. Absolutely not what I expected.
I tried kind of unofficially dating the guy for a bit, but it felt...wrong. Rushed. Not what I was looking for.
So I stopped it. I actively decided to stay single. And to be honest, sometimes I regret that decision, because being single sucks too.
It's like a million first dates all over again. It's terrifying to put yourself out there and become vulnerable again and again and again, and then realize you still have a wall guarding your heart still, so you can't fully give your all to the relationship at hand. So you shut down and you start wondering if you're ever going to actually find someone you want to be with for forever...and he wants it too.
And it's really frustrating when you just want someone to share jokes, food, cuddles, deep thoughts, and homework time with...and he's not there.
So....future husband, I'd just like to say how frustrating it is to me that I haven't ran into you yet. Or that we're not dating yet. And I'm not gonna lie, if you're dating someone else right now, I'm gonna be a bit jealous. And tell you to break it off so we can meet sooner. That'd be great.
...and if you're just as frustrated and as impatient as I am...well...know you're absolutely not alone in that emotion. That thought alone just kind of helps me at times when I feel especially lonely.
Anyway.
That was a lot of words to explain what I really wanted to get to. In choir, we've been singing this song with the lyrics, "I believe in love, even when I don't feel it."
Those lyrics, singing them in choir today, hit me like a ton of bricks today. To be honest, it's getting harder for me to keep the faith that I eventually will find love. It was really hard to truthfully sing those lyrics today, because, well, I'm starting to lose hope. It takes a toll when you keep trying and keep putting yourself out there, only to have that door slammed in your face, or to realize you actually don't want that specific door open. The latter, I think, is even harder, because part of you wants to say that something is better than nothing. But it's not. It would only bring you disappointment and misery, and the true, happier way, is to just continue to be patient.
So...I'm leaning on Christ right now for the adequate amount of faith and hope that things will work out for me in the future. That He can help my unbelief, and lift me up purely because I'm giving my all right now, even if my all is merely a desire to believe. And He helps me. He comforts me when I'm lonely. He doesn't give me a timeline or anything specific like that, but He does give me the step I need to take right now...and right now that step is to simply continue focusing on my studies. Continue doing the things I know to be right, and if I do that, things will work out for me.
That little bit of assurance right now is enough for me. :)
I'm so grateful for how much God loves us to give us comfort at the time we need comfort, even if it's not the right time for information. :)
Here's a link to the song if you want to listen to it.
Comments
Post a Comment